How to Choose a Couples Therapist: A Helpful Guide for Your Relationship

Guest Blog Post by Elvan Kama Kurtz, LMFT & Lauren Cohen, LAMFT

Taking the first step into couples therapy can feel overwhelming. You might be longing to reconnect, communicate more openly, or heal from past hurts, but the idea of opening up to a stranger can be intimidating. Many couples worry: “What if therapy makes things worse?” or “How do we find the right therapist for us?” You’re not alone, and choosing the right therapist can make all the difference.

This guide is created by marriage and family therapists to help you make an informed choice so you can enter couples therapy feeling confident, understood, and supported. Our goal is to give you clear, practical guidance based on evidence-based approaches and real experiences from couples we work with every day. With the right therapist fit, couples therapy can become a place of clarity, safety, and transformation, not fear or uncertainty.

1. Get Clear on Your Goals Before You Schedule Your First Session

Every couple comes to therapy for different reasons, and your goals help you choose the therapist who’s best equipped to support you.

Think about what you want to work on:

• If you want to strengthen your connection: Look for a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or someone with sex therapy training who understands the complexities of emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.
• If your focus is communication, conflict, or rebuilding trust: A therapist trained in the Gottman Method can help with structured tools, research-based exercises, and clear guidance.
• If you are coming in to address a specific concern, such as healing after an affair, look for a therapist who is trained in betrayal trauma and affair recovery. This ensures your therapist understands the unique layers of trauma, trust-building, and stabilization required after a relational injury.

It’s completely normal for one partner to be more motivated to start therapy than the other. This does not mean therapy won’t work. What matters is being honest about your expectations, how motivated you both are to start the therapy, and what you hope will change. 

During the consultation or first session, share your goals openly. The right fit will listen to both partners and help you identify short-term and long-term goals you’ll work on together.

2. Finding Comfort and Connection in Therapy

Therapy works best when you feel understood, respected, and comfortable. That can be difficult to imagine if you are worried that a therapist may not fully grasp your lived experiences or the dynamics within your relationship. It is completely normal to speak with a few different therapists before finding someone who feels like the right fit. Some might refer to this as “dating around,” not in a literal sense, but simply to highlight that it can take a little exploration to find a therapist whose style, communication, and understanding truly support what you need.

Think about what helps you feel safe and supported in a therapeutic space:

• Cultural Understanding: Feeling safe and supported when your therapist demonstrates awareness and respect for your cultural background, identity, or life experiences, so you don’t have to constantly explain or justify your perspective.
• Nonjudgmental Listening: Feeling understood when your therapist listens attentively, validates your feelings, and refrains from making assumptions or criticisms, creating a space where you can be fully honest.
• Comfort with Communication Style: Feeling at ease when your therapist’s style matches your needs, whether that’s someone who is warm and empathetic, structured with a directive approach, or a balance of both, so that the therapy sessions feel like a collaborative partnership. 

Most therapists offer a free 15-minute consultation through video, phone, or in-person. It is completely normal to schedule more than one consultation. Many couples speak with a few therapists before finding the one who feels like the best match. This is not a sign that anything is wrong. It simply means you are being thoughtful about your care.

Here are a few helpful questions you can ask during a consultation:

How do you approach working with couples?
How do you support partners who come from different backgrounds?
What can we expect during a typical session? 

If a therapist does not feel like the right fit, it is perfectly okay to keep looking. Finding someone who understands both partners and creates a supportive space can take time, and that’s part of the process. The right therapist will help you feel seen, heard, and ready to begin the work together.

3. Look for a Strength-Based Approach, Not Just Problem-Focused Conversations

A common story we hear from couples describing previous “unsuccessful” therapy experiences is:
“All we did was talk about our issues, and we left every session feeling defeated.”

Therapy that focuses exclusively on problems can unintentionally reinforce hopelessness. Effective couples work requires a balanced lens that includes:

• The strengths of the relationship
• Moments of teamwork, resilience, and repair
• The positive relationship history and shared meaning the couple has built
• Appreciations and what each partner values in the other

Sessions should end with a sense of grounding, not escalation. The therapist should check-in before closing:

How are you each feeling right now?

Do you feel clear about what we discussed?

Do you have a plan for how to take care of yourselves for the rest of the day?

These closing rituals prevent unresolved emotional intensity from spilling into the couple’s daily life. 

If you’ve had similar experiences in the past, it’s absolutely okay to ask your new therapist how they typically end sessions, what their closing plan looks like, and how they ensure couples leave feeling grounded rather than defeated. A therapist’s approach to session closure can make a meaningful difference in how supported you feel after each appointment.

4. Choose a Therapist Who Collaborates with Your Other Providers

Couples therapy is most effective when it isn’t happening in isolation. If one or both partners also work with an individual therapist, psychiatrist, or primary care provider, collaboration becomes an important part of quality care.

A collaborative couples therapist, with your written consent through a Release of Information form, can communicate with your other providers to ensure everyone is on the same page. This helps your therapist understand the full clinical picture and provide safer, more attuned guidance.

Collaboration can help with:

• Understanding medication side effects that may impact mood or intimacy
• Getting updates on your individual mental and physical health symptoms
• Aligning relationship goals with individual treatment goals
• Clarifying questions or concerns that support effective care
• Ensuring unified treatment planning instead of conflicting approaches

When therapists and healthcare providers communicate, couples experience more clarity, more support, and better long-term outcomes. Don’t hesitate to ask your therapist if they prefer collaborative work. Your care team being aligned can make a significant difference in your progress as a couple.

5. Prioritizing Your Safety Before You Begin Couples Therapy

Therapy can be incredibly helpful, but it is not recommended if there is ongoing abuse, active addiction, or current self-harm or suicidal ideation. In these cases, individual therapy, substance use or alcohol recovery programs, and crisis or harm-reduction approaches should come first.

Think about what you need to feel safe:

• If there is abuse or high conflict: A therapist may recommend delaying couples sessions and instead focus on individual safety planning or legal support. Parallel parenting strategies may also be discussed to reduce harmful interactions between partners while co-parenting, if children are involved. Tools like OurFamilyWizard can help manage communication, scheduling, and information sharing in a structured, neutral way, supporting safety and reducing conflict.
• If substance use or addiction is active: Individual treatment for recovery often comes before couples work. Therapy can later focus on rebuilding trust, communication, and healthy routines once each partner has stabilized.
• If suicidal thoughts or self-harm are present: Immediate crisis intervention or specialized individual therapy is critical. Once stability is achieved, couples’ work can be revisited safely.

Therapists use a variety of approaches to help keep everyone safe in high-conflict situations. These might include having more structured sessions, setting clear boundaries, offering separate check-ins, or guiding couples through healthier ways to communicate. During your first consultation, it helps to share any safety concerns openly so the therapist can choose the approach that supports you best. 

A thoughtful clinician will work with you to create a plan that looks out for both partners, and any children involved, while focusing on relationship goals that feel safe and achievable. For couples therapy to be truly effective, each partner needs the individual support that allows them to show up as their healthiest selves, making meaningful change possible.

Every Couple Deserves the Opportunity for Connection and Clarity 

The right couples therapist can change the trajectory of your relationship. You deserve someone who:

• Understands your goals and expectations
• Provides comfort and connection 
• Balances strengths with challenges 
• Works collaboratively with your care team 
• Creates emotional safety 

With the right fit, couples therapy becomes a place where connection is rebuilt, communication becomes clearer, and hope returns.

The information provided is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health, medical, legal, or safety advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, active addiction, suicidal thoughts, or other safety concerns, please seek immediate support from a crisis resource center in your area or call 911. Always consult with a licensed therapist, physician, or legal professional to determine the safest and most appropriate next steps for your circumstances.

Guest Blog Post Authors:

Elvan Kama Kurtz, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Pennsylvania, offering both virtual and in-person sessions at Choosing Change Counseling, Wayne, PA. She specializes in relationship concerns with a focus on affair recovery, communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, and relational healing for multicultural couples. She is Gottman method trained for couples therapy, a certified clinical anxiety treatment provider and a certified personality disorders treatment provider. She provides sessions in Turkish and English with adult individuals and couples. Elvan can be reached at Elvan@choosingchangecounseling.com or through the practice’s website at www.choosingchangecounseling.com.

Lauren Cohen, LAMFT is a licensed associate marriage and family therapist in Pennsylvania, offering both in-person and virtual sessions at Choosing Change Counseling in Wayne, PA. She is trauma-informed, trained in both Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions such as divorce, loss, parenthood, and affair recovery. Lauren can be reached at Lauren@choosingchangecounseling.com or through the practice’s website at www.choosingchangecounseling.com.